OPEN LETTER TO LINDA IKEJI AT 36: on having an amazing guy, regular sex and a bunch of kids

OPEN LETTER TO LINDA IKEJI AT 36: on having an amazing guy, regular sex and a bunch of kids

Hi, Ms Ikeji! Ah, you know I almost started this letter with ‘dear auntie Linda’ but realised I just turned 29 on September 15. At this stage of my life, I should stop minding titles. But Nigerians love titles sha and I hope you don’t mind me dropping the ‘auntie’ thing. Thank you. And, I know a lecturer at the University of Nigeria, Nsukka who has two PhDs. He doesn’t joke with anyone who does not reflect the PhDs while addressing him. You can imagine.

You are 36! Yeah! That’s beautiful. I mean, you were a model so I wasn’t expecting anything less of what I see – beauty at 36. And money too. Some beauties fade off with too much stress and without adequate maintenance. You look great. Keep controlling what gets to your emotion and I bet you’d be amazing even at 80.

I thought I should use the opportunity of writing you on your birthday to tell you what I admire about you – physically. Your height and your legs – I love them. Oh, yeah. Bae would have to punch me in the head when she reads this but I truly couldn’t hold that back. You know how you couldn’t hold back the ‘amazing guy and regular sex’ wish? Ah. You sef. And you have a cool smile too, with fine dentition.

I watched your birthday-wish video. You are so hilarious and crazy. Kai! And you know how to be in the news sha, whether it is premeditated or not – you should start teaching part-time at the Pan-African University, Lagos. Executives would use your wit and expertise. But ‘regular sex’? Ah. That’s like top priority of that wish-list oh. And your waist, start exercising, something huge is coming your way. I mean, understand that female celebrities unlike the male, rarely get regular sex. They can’t be approached politely for whatever reason.

Linda, I know you want a man who loves and respects you. That should come foremost, following your social status. There are men with amazing penises – I know you like them huge, I see how you mark eggplants and how you giggle each time you share them on your blog – but these are what folks require as teenagers. You are super rich. What you probably need is someone who respects you same way you’d respect him or her, and someone who would not mind your job schedule. Trust me, when I stare at bae and how she is so engrossed in her phone, for pleasure oh, not business, I just wish it wasn’t so. I am like that too. Crazy generation! Your man should understand that he should tolerate you and that you’d support him too even when regular sex is not so regular.

Children are beautiful but do not crave for them because you are fond of them. Seek children because they are lives you’d devote your entire wellbeing into bringing up as responsible humans. I wish the right man finds you now at this ‘critical stage’ but while I wouldn’t want you to be ‘desperate’ for now, you could speak to someone you love – someone who understands you – maybe a fellow celebrity you admire. (I’m sorry that D’Banj is married – but you can have an agreement with Flavour and have a cute, light-complexioned baby. He wouldn’t mind, trust me. He gives it freely. Or maybe he would want you to win in pageantry first. He likes them as ‘beauty queens’.)

It is legal to have a partner (not necessarily bound by marriage) and have a child or two with the fellow, that way, you are not bound. I know that whatever marriage you are going into would have PRE-NUPTIAL as its banner and you know how folks take that around here. You may adopt a couple of children too from around the country – you may not have to do much. Give some cute children a facelift. You can have private individuals who would support you and get an education trust-fund for the child/ren. Trust me; you’d be glad you did.

I am very excited at your decision to diversify in business. It is important in a country like Nigeria where nothing is assured. Your choices of properties; handbags, shoes, cars and houses have shown that you have great taste but you could improve on the economic knowledge. What I mean is, whatever partner you should have and take seriously must understand economics, must understand what it means to have assets and liabilities. He/she must understand that owning 10 iPhone7s and starting a real estate business can be weighed. You guys can build hostels for students across the country and get rents. You could do Linda beer, Linda Radio, etc.

As for going out more, yeah, that fine. Get some air, see real people and note experiences. That’d be amazing. You’d not be remembered for being married and tweeting about it. You have empowered some women to be liberal. You have assisted a couple of people with financial assistance during pressing periods, even though you talk about them in every little misunderstanding you have with folks whose stories give you millions. Anyone who gives help and broadcast it unnecessarily is just serving ego not humanity. When giving gifts, be concerned more about whether it makes you relevant on earth, in the person’s life and whether it gives you subtle peace and not how society rates you.

Children will come. Wealth came. You will grow richer but again, a lot of things rock your boat and I can’t advice you against them – I mean, like getting a keyboard and boasting about you ‘probably’ being the only one who owns it in a country of 180 million people. I get your drift but such things are unnecessary. At 36, what could be important should be leaving a fine mark in the heart of folks. The days of who outshines who could be left for teenagers, seriously.

Ifeoma, you are an amazing soul though with dents. And your dents are like the spots on the cheetah, they make you unique. You can’t be like everyone. Whoever would like you would have to take your not-great-sides too and that’s natural. Stay amazing. Remember that majority of your readers do not earn more than 200k monthly and while they may aspire to be like you, it makes them yearn for shortcuts to meet whatever it is you display. And for the LGBTI community, while sharing their stories, ask for permission. It is hostile out there. One fine hug and not condemnation would be amazing.

(I took a selfie with Linda Ikeji at the 2014 Future Awards, Lagos, Nigeria.)

Hugs. And yes, I’d ask you on a date once I get a job that can pay for a table for two at a fine restaurant somewhere in Lagos.

BURA-BARI NWILO is the author of A Tiny Place Called Happiness – a book of short stories.
Twitter: @BuraBariNwilo

Note: All images were sourced from TW magazine, Nigeria.